


Symptoms

by whitchry9



Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Depression, Gen, ambiguous ending, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-27
Updated: 2015-04-27
Packaged: 2018-03-26 02:21:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3833398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whitchry9/pseuds/whitchry9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"For a major depressive episode a person must have experienced at least five of the nine symptoms."</p><p>Matt counts six.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Symptoms

Feeling fatigued, or diminished energy.

 

At first he thought it was his nightly activities. It was hard for a man to get enough sleep when he was working during the day and out hitting the streets at night. It was a good thing they didn't have many clients, because he wasn't sure he'd be able to find the time to work on cases.

But even when he was injured and bedridden for a few days, or at least unable to don his costume, the exhaustion was still there. It was pervasive and bone deep and utterly exhausting.

And it didn't go away.

 

 

Difficulty falling or staying asleep.

 

For all of his exhaustion, Matt found it very difficult to sleep at night. And it wasn't simply his senses, because he'd been able to tune out the sounds of New York years ago. Hell, he'd had Foggy as a roommate for years, and that guy could snore.

But this was something else. It was almost like Fisk had said. _My mind won't quiet._ And oh god, how Matt wanted nothing to be like that man, but maybe he was more right than he knew, because it wasn't his senses that kept him awake at night. Sure, he could blame them, but he knew, deep down, it was because he couldn't stop thinking.

And the cycle just repeated.

 

 

Frequent thoughts of death or suicide, or attempt of suicide.

 

Of course Matt thought about death a lot. Usually it was about the morality of murder, and if he'd ever be able to cross that line. But sometimes it was about his own death. About what would happen to the people around him if he died.

Nelson and Murdock would be no more. Karen had already lost so much and had managed to come back fighting, but he wasn't sure how much more she could take. Claire would be so angry with him, and probably blame herself at least a bit for not saving him, no matter how he died.

And Foggy. He was pretty sure if he died, it would break Foggy. Foggy who was only just beginning to forgive him for keeping secrets all those years, who was just getting comfortable with the idea of Matt being a vigilante, who was finally opening up to Matt again and getting their relationship sorted out.

If Matt died, it would break Foggy.

So he's careful. He's careful when he goes out at night and he's careful when he crosses the street and he's careful when he shaves and with what he eats and with everything he's careful, because there are too many ways for him to die.

And maybe he's not supposed to be afraid of anything, but he is afraid of all the 'what ifs'.

 

 

Thoughts of worthlessness or extreme guilt.

 

The guilt was mostly a Catholic thing. Guilt about not being able to do more, guilt about how he was going about doing things, guilt about the people he couldn't save.

Guilt because he'd thought about killing another man. Guilt because he wanted to. He fully intended to kill Fisk that night, but he was already bleeding and broken and half dead, and there was no way he could have.

He's still not sure if he's grateful for that or not.

But the guilt? It's sure as hell still there.

 

And as for worthlessness, he only needs to think back to the night Stick was in town, and how he couldn't do anything to save that little boy.

Some hero he was.

 

 

Ability to think, concentrate, or make decisions is reduced.

 

At least it wasn't at night. That's all he told himself. Because if he'd fucked up that badly in the middle of a fight, there wouldn't be enough of him for Claire to patch up. Hell, there wouldn't be enough of him for anyone to patch up.

And that was the thought his brain stuck on, not why didn't he hear it, or why didn't he realize the danger he was in, but only thankful that it didn't happen at a worse time.

But as reassuring as that thought was, he couldn't manage to get it out of his head the entire way back to the office, with Foggy lecturing him the whole way while ensuring Matt's hand never left his arm.

“Jesus Matt, you could have been killed. Didn't you hear the truck coming? It was honking even.”

“Sorry Foggy,” he muttered again. “I was distracted.”

“I worry about you,” Foggy said, suddenly serious.

“I know you do,” Matt sighed.

“You know what, I'm just going to get you that dog.”

As they entered the door to their building, Foggy shook Matt's arm off.

“Foggy? Foggy, no. Don't. Foggy?”

Foggy didn't reply, already half way up the steps, apparently confident in Matt's abilities to not fall up them and die. Unlike his confidence in Matt's ability to cross the street.

Pausing for a moment before working up the energy to climb the stairs, Matt rubbed his temples and tried not to think _what_ _if._

 

 

Depressed mood.

 

And that's the final straw. Or maybe the first one, as it was, but just took him the longest to realize.

 

Because it's right there in the name, _depression_ , and a depressed mood, whatever that meant, obviously had to be a symptom.

 

So he sits in his dark apartment late one night as his computer reads symptoms to him, and he wonders _now what?_

 

 


End file.
